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Never argue with kids
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher
said it
was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though
it was a very large mammal its
throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated
that a whale could not swallow a
human;it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven
I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
..........................................................
A
Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they
drew.She would occasionally walk around to see
each child's work.As she
got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the
drawing
was?
The
girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without
missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl
replied, They will in a minute."
..........................................................
A
Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five
and six year olds.
After explaining the
commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother," she
asked, "is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our
brothers and
sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,
"Thou shall not
kill."
................................................................
A three-year-old went with his dad to see
a litter of kittens.
On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were
two boy kittens and
two girl kittens.
How did you know?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied.
"I think it's
printed on the bottom."
...............................................................
The children
had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just
think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grownup
and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's
Michael. He's a
doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher.
She's dead."
...............................................................
A
teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class,
if I stood on my
head,the blood,as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the
face."
"Yes," the
class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in
the ordinary position,the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow
shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."
English Language
> No wonder some are illiterate!!
>
> ===========================================================
>
SO, YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE TOUGH ENOUGH TO TRY TO LEARN ENGLISH?
> ===========================================================
>
>
This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the
brave.
>
> It was passed on by a linguist,
original author unknown. Peruse at your
> leisure, English lovers. Reasons why the English language is so hard to
>
learn:
>
> 1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
> 2) The farm was used to
produce produce.
> 3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
> 4) We
must polish the Polish furniture.
> 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
> 6)
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
> 7) Since there is no time like the present, he
thought it was time to
> present the present.
> 8) A bass was painted
on the head of the bass drum.
> 9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
> 10) I did not object
to the object.
> 11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
> 12) There was a row among the oarsmen about
how to row.
> 13) They were too close to the door to close it.
> 14) The buck does funny things when the does
are present.
> 15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
> 16) To help with planting, the farmer
taught his sow to sow.
> 17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail
> 18) After a number of injections my jaw
got number.
> 19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
> 20) I had to subject the subject to a
series of tests.
> 21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
> 22) Do you know which witch was which?
>
>
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant
> nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine
in pineapple. English muffins
> weren't invented in England nor French fries in France. Sweetmeats are
> candies
while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
>
> We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that
> quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
> neither from Guinea nor
is it a pig.
>
> And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
> groce and hammers
don't ham.
>
> If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
>
> If the plural
of mouse is mice, why isn't the plural of spouse spice or
the
> the plural of house hice
>
> One goose,
2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
> Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you
> have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do
> you call it?
>
>
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
> vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
>
>
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an
asylum
> for the verbally insane. In what language
do people recite at a play and
> play at a recital?
>
> Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
>
>
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
>
> How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise
man and a
> wise guy are opposites?
>
> You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house
> can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it
out
> and in which, an alarm
goes off by going on.
>
> English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
> creativity
of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
>
> That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible,
but when the lights
> are out, they are invisible.
>
> PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?
Some more one liners
> 1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little
>
> bottles of
Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards. NAIVE
>
> 2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making
a peeing
> section in a swimming pool?
>
> 3. OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags"
and the
> Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the
> Tennessee Titans?
>
>
4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea. Does that mean that one
> enjoys it?
>
> 5. There are three
religious truths:
> A. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
> B. Protestants do not recognize
the Pope as the leader of the Christian
> faith.
> C. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor
store or at
> Hooters.
>
> 6. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
>
does he become disoriented?
>
> 7. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
> Holland
called Holes?
>
> 8. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
>
> 9. Do infants
enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
>
> 10. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
>
> 11. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
>
> 12. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts"
and you put your
> two cents in. What happens to the other penny?
>
> 13. Why is the man who invests all
your money called a broker?
>
> 14. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale
>
bread to begin with?
>
> 15. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
>
> 16. Why is
a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person
> who drives a race car not called a racist?
>
>
17. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
>
> 18. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
>
> 19. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
>
> 20. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence
in the English language.
> Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
>
> 21. If lawyers are disbarred
and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
> that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
>
> models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed.
>
> 22. If Fed Ex and UPS were to
merge. Would they call it Fed UP?
>
> 23. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
>
> 24. What
hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
>
> 25. I was thinking about how people seem to
read the Bible a whole lot
> more as they get older then it dawned on me. They're cramming for
> their final exam.
>
> 26. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
> spoons and forks so I wondered what do
Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
>
> 27. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What
>
are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their
> pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen
can look for them while
> they deliver the mail?
>
> 28. If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are
> the others here for?
>
> 29. You never really learn to swear until you learn to
drive.
>
> 30. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
>
> 31. Ever wonder
what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
> zigzag?
>
> 32. Last night I played a blank tape at
full blast. The mime next door
> went nuts.
>
> 33. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
THINGS TO NEVER SAY TO A COP...
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead
of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't
respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
These Quotes Were Taken From Actual Performance Evaluations:
1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
started
to dig.
2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
3. I would not allow this employee
to breed.
4. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definitely won't be.
5. Works well
when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap.
6. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is
only to change whichever
foot was previously there.
7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
8.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
9. He sets low personal goals and then consistently fails to achieve them.
10.
This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
11. This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts,
the better.
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY
>
> Day number 180
>
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
> 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
> 9:40 am - OH BOY! A
WALK! MY FAVORITE!
> 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
> 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
> 12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
> 1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
> 4:00 pm -
OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
> 5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
> 5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
>
> Day number 181
> 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
> 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE!
MY FAVORITE!
> 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
> 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
>
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
> 12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
> 1:00 pm - OH BOY!
THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
> 4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
> 5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
> 5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
>
> Day number 182
> 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
> 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
> 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
> 10:30 am - OH
BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
> 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
> 12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY
FAVORITE!
> 1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
> 1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
> 4:00 pm - OH
BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
> 5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
> 5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
>
> EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY
>
> DAY 752 - My captors continue
to taunt me with bizarre little
> dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to
>
eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of
> escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining
the occasional
> piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
>
> DAY 761 - Today my attempt
to kill my captors by weaving around
> their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at
>
the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile
> oppressors, I once again induced myself to
vomit on their favorite
> chair...must try this on their bed.
>
> DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought
them the headless body, in
> attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike
> fear
into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a
good
> little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according
to plan. >
>
> DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good
> reason I was chosen
for the water torture. This time however it included
> a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could
invent
> such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck
> between my teeth.
>
>
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I
> was placed in solitary throughout the event. However,
I could hear the
> noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More
> importantly I overheard
that my confinement was due to MY power of
> "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
>
> DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe
> snitches. The dog is routinely
released and seems more than happy to
> return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got
>
to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he
> reports my every move. Due to his current placement
in the metal room
> his safety is assured.
>
> But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
>
>
> ~hehehehe~
>
Instructions
> In case you needed further proof that the
human race is doomed through
> stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
>
>
On a Sears hairdryer:
> "Do not use while sleeping."
> (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
>
> On a bag of Fritos:
> "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
> (The shoplifter
special)
>
> On a bar of Dial soap:
> "Directions: Use like regular soap."
> (And that would be how
...?)
>
> On some Swanson frozen dinners:
> "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
> (But its "just" a suggestion)
>
> On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
> "Do not turn upside down."
> (Too late!)
>
>
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
> "Product will be hot after heating."
> As night follows day . . .)
>
> On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
> "Do not iron clothes on body."
> (But wouldn't this save me more time?)
>
> On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
> "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
>
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
> could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds
off those forklifts.)
>
> On Nytol Sleep Aid:
> "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
> (One would hope.)
>
> On most brands of Christmas lights:
> "For indoor or outdoor use only."
> (As opposed to what?)
>
> On a Japanese food processor:
> "Not to be used for the other use."
> (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
>
> On Sainsbury's peanuts:
> "Warning: contains nuts."
> (Talk about a news flash.)
>
> On
an American Airlines packet of nuts:
> "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
> ( Step 3: Fly Delta.)
>
> On a child's superman costume:
> "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
> (I don't blame
the company. I blame parents for this one.)
>
> On a Swedish chainsaw:
> "Do not attempt to stop chain
with your hands or genitals,"
> (Was there a lot of this happening somewhere? My God!)
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